I hope you get real love soon.

And me too.

Real love…

On the bright side, due to seeing Dir en grey last night and meeting Kaoru I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

cwphoto:

This is me on this day a year ago.  I was depressed about a girl just like I am today.  I was missing my daughter just like I am today.  I self-medicated with pills and alcohol, often at the same time, and tried to have mindless sex to cover up a void that I have yet to be able to fill.

In the last year, though, I have learned that substance isn’t sustenance.  I have learned that the girl I am depressed about is long dead; and that that is the real root of my depression.  I have learned that we are all ghosts of the people we once were.  Most importantly, I have learned that I have changed, too.

I’m not in love with the girl anymore.  I mean, I am.  But I’m not in love with the ugly person she’s become.  As it is in this moment, I’m in love with myself when she’s around me and that’s all.  I love the girl she was about three months prior to this photo being taken.  The reason I am depressed today isn’t because that girl isn’t in my life anymore; it’s because she just doesn’t fucking exist.  She did then.  She doesn’t now.

It’s time to go.  I’ve given up the pills and the liquor, but for some reason I cannot rid myself of the truest poison.  I want real love; not this fake bullshit I’ve been seasoned with.